Drained beyond belief

Most people that know me and my family do not know much about my mom lately. She'd probably like me to keep it that way. Although tonight, I ask that you say a prayer, or two, or three, or as many as you can muster. She is hospitalized. I hate every damn minute of this. She is in the right place, or at least that is what I can hope for.

Inadequate

It just seems silly to post lately. If you click on the photo on the sidebar, "Pray for Stellan", you'll get exactly what I am talking about. Little Stellan was sick in-utero, born healthy, and at 4 1/2 months old, started having heart trouble. That is putting it mildly. The poor little guy is struggling. His mommy is hardly finding words to express herself. My life is so simple. I know comparing one person to another is not a fair thing to do, I just feel so inadequate posting about a-day-in-the-life-of-us.

In one sentence... we've been in the car a lot, went to a baby shower yesterday for a friend of mine and her wife, we've been on a lot of picnics, to friends houses, and cleaning/organizing the house. Exciting, huh?! Here is Juliana and Kitty at the shower yesterday.

Thoughtful Thursday

These pictures were taken one year ago today. Gosh, WE MISS YOU!!!!

A couple things

Juliana "met" her cousin for the first time on saturday. This saturday, March 28th, would have been his birthday. Juliana found a picture of Danny and I about a month ago, and she really wanted to bring him flowers for his birthday. Since she had never been to a cemetery, she wanted to walk around. I took advantage of her interest and made it fun for her. Perhaps fun is not the right word, but I tried to make it not seem like a scary place. Juliana was drawn to the children's area since a few of the markers had Pooh Bear on them, they were decorated with race cars, teddy bears, etc. She began to clean up a few of the areas being that it was a windy day. She would clean off grass clippings from stuffed animals, pick up fallen trinkets, and brush off the markers themselves. Her response when I told her that she didn't have to do it for everyone was, "The cute kids need someone to clean it. Their mommies aren't here right now." Ok, I guess she's right. After a while, I did tell her that we needed to move on. She was becoming a little obsessive with making every single grave perfect. She was also eyeing a woman in the distance who was kneeling at a grave that was fresh. She wanted to hug the woman to make her all better. How do you tell a 7 year old that letting someone cry is ok and going over to them is not appropriate?

This probably sounds like a sad post and is a sad picture. I actually found it to be refreshing. I also feel like it is my job to show Juliana the not-so-pleasant part of life. It doesn't have to be something scary or dark, it can be something positive. And yes, I did blur out his information. It is internet paranoia, what can I say?!

BEFORE our "garden" (Juliana's word for cemetery) adventure, we had a fabulous breakfast with one of my favorite high school girlfriends. We had not seen each other since college. She went to school in Boston, so I was able to visit once. Juliana loved to be with Shannon, especially since she is a teacher too. Haaaaa!

After our out of town morning, I packed up lunch, picked up Kevin, and went to the park for a picnic. The kids went wild! So great to see them running in the fresh air with tons of other families.

This weekend will be a busy one. I'll post another day.

Little Spring Angel

Happy Spring!

Kevin and I were out for another picnic at the park yesterday. Nearly everything is in bloom, including the kids energy. :) Can you see the bumblebee buzzing around in the second picture? Bees are not my favorite creature, but at this time of year (at a distance), they are a welcome sight.

On a much different note, apparently Heaven needed a teeny tiny angel to make the sun a little brighter. My brother and his wife learned yesterday at the ultrasound that their baby did not have a heartbeat. I believe she was 10 weeks along in the pregnancy. If I could only somehow make it all better, even just for a moment.

Thanks, I think

Does this mean I have a full butt? Does it mean that I am beautiful? Hmmmm.... food for thought! OH NO, NOT FOOD FOR THOUGHT. Food is a bad term to use in this instance. Perhaps I should get my full butt back to the gym!

(I'm sure you figured out that my daughter is not insensitive. She was writing that Mommy is beautiful. Just to clarify. Ahhh, ain't that sweet.)

Lucky n' Green

From our not-so-Irish house to yours... or maybe you are Irish, who knows. HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

I took Kevin to the park to eat lunch after preschool. He loved every second of it!

Mom's Weekend

This weekend I was able to spend with my mom. Last night, we went with two of her friends to a dinner theater. We saw "Forever Plaid". It was a great show! It was geared toward my mom's generation, but I enjoyed the show too. After we got home, we gabbed like two college kids until we were both falling asleep. It was time for ni night time.

This morning we met with my brother and sister-in-law for brunch. We spent most of our two hour visit talking about the baby on the way. Their baby is due in October, and they are soooooo excited. This is their first baby, and at 35 years old, they are totally looking forward to chubby toes running around the house.

I hope Mom had a memorable 60 something birthday. I love love love birthdays! I spend much more time and attention on individual birthdays rather than Christmas. Yikes, I rarely buy gifts for anyone though. I love to do something special, rather than buying a gift.

No pictures this weekend. My camera was buried in my purse, although I never took it out. Bummer, oh well.

A Grand Day

Happy Birthday Mom! And the kids say, Happy Birthday Grand!

It is nice to be able to be within a time zone or two (or three) again this year. I missed 12 of her birthdays living away. Tomorrow we will be celebrating her special day. Yayyy! LOVE YOU MOM!

Ohhh, WOOF... from Shadow.

Beautiful

A breath of fresh air. I love where we live. We are having gorgeous weather these days. As always, we have gorgeous surroundings no matter what the weather is like. I take full advantage of our weather and our surroundings, just in case you couldn't tell. The kids love it too!

A WICKED NIGHT

If you have not had the chance to see WICKED, it is a must see! It is a great show! We went last night with friends, and about 2000 other people suddenly became close too. It was packed in the theater. Jason and I really want to see The Wizard of Oz again. Who wouldn't want to visit Munchkinland?

That was our saturday night. A fabulous dinner with friends, WICKED, and of course, topping it all off with a girlie drink afterward. That's my kind of night.

In the Dark

I learned something about myself tonight. Ok, I learned a few things...

I AM TERRIFIED OF THE DARK
NIGHT CRAWLIES SCARE ME
BEING IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE IS NOT SMART
NEVER GO SOMEWHERE WHERE CELL PHONES DO NOT WORK
LISTEN TO YOUR CHILDREN WHEN THEY WANNA GO HOME
I AM TERRIFIED OF THE DARK
PARKED CARS ARE NOT NECESSARILY SERIAL KILLERS
OCEAN WATER IS NOT PRETTY IN THE DARK
I AM TERRIFIED OF THE DARK

Why this list? Because about 6 months ago, Juliana became interested in stars, planets, etc. She has been wanting to see the sky full of stars. I told her one day I would take her to a really really dark place to show her the pretty sky. Well, tonight I did that. We drove to the coast down EXTREMELY dark roads for about 90 minutes. When I say there were no lights, trust me. I felt like we were going to be abducted by either aliens, wanted criminals, or the stars themselves. It was so flippin' dark! I drove so far into the darkness, that I felt like turning around would be silly. So I kept going into the darkness. No road lights, no headlights, no houses, just darkness.

The stars were pretty, I guess. There was a parked car in the small parking lot that I parked in, so my heart was racing the entire time. Of course they were waiting for people like us, right? Haaa! I doubt there was anyone in the car. It probably belonged to teenagers smoking pot on a desolate beach.

In the end, we watched the stars for a few minutes, then left the parking lot. I drove slowly down the roads so Juliana could admire the stars from her window. I realized after a little bit that if I went faster down the winding roads, she could see just as well, so I did.

Sometimes I should just take a hint about my stupid little adventures alone with the kids. Last time Kevin ended up in an ambulance, one time it took us 10 hours in the car to get to/from Tahoe, we've been stuck in a blizzard.... I won't go on. At least my children can never say that Mommy just sat around and did nothin'!

No photos. I was in the dark. :)

Visiting

Today will be a tough day for me. Tomorrow will be worse. I should "be over it" by now, but I'm not. I'm going to "visit" alone today. I have not been there since March 6th last year. I had a energetic 2 year old with me last year to break up the tears. This year, I can not bear to explain the scene to a 3 year old or a 7 year old, so I am going alone. Wish me luck.

(As I reread what I just wrote, I realized I am vague. To sum it up, I am going to "visit" my grandmother today. Yes my grandmother, not my mom, my dad, or my child, but my grandmother that lived 88 years and we had so many fun times together. Her death rips me apart in so many directions. There is a lot of history with my grandmother that nobody but the two of us would ever understand. Tomorrow would have been her 95th birthday. It feels really strange to grieve like I am over a person that lived such a long life. I guess there is not a right or wrong way to do it, but I will admit, I feel strange sobbing after 7 years. It seems so right, and so wrong in the same breath.)
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UPDATE:

I am back and actually feel pretty good. I stayed a total of 30 seconds since I can not bear to be within hugging distance, yet worlds away. The thought of it makes me physically ill. I realized today that not too long ago my grandma was standing in the same spot putting flowers into the same holder as she visited her husband and mother. Makes me want to scream and vomit. Sorry for the description, but it is true.

I took a couple pictures too. I somehow feel obligated to celebrate her life on her birthday, and if you know me, a camera is always involved in a celebration. Celebrating and visiting on her birthday are much easier than the thought of going on her Heaven day.

The damn Titanic song is playing on my itunes right now. It would be nice if it would switch to Pink or an obnoxious drinkin' country song right now.

LAST UPDATE:

When your 3 year old comes home from preschool wearing a clown hat made with his teeny tiny hands, the world gets a little less complicated.

400, wow!

Happy 400th post! I really have nothing to say today (or almost any other day), so why not post a photo. Here is what was happening on March 4, 2006, exactly 3 years ago today. We were getting some fresh air on a freeeeezing Michigan winter day.

I Don't Get it

Why do some people have to be so pissed off all of the time? This morning after dropping Juliana off at school, one of the fathers was in a hurry to cross the street in the rain. I noticed him running, although if I stopped to let him cross, it would have been more dangerous to slam on my breaks in the rain, so I kept going. For your information, he was crossing in the middle of the street, not at a controlled crosswalk. Within a second of noticing him, I hear a huge bump hit my car. He punched my car! For a split second, I wanted to stop and 'cause a scene about it. At very least, the police crossed my mind. Very quickly I realized a few things... he looked like the type of guy that likes drama, and I didn't want to satisfy his need for drama. Second, Kevin was in the car. Since I don't know the guy, I didn't know how he'd react. Third, we were literally outside the school fence. School children do not need to see action like that. And last, it was raining.

Hopefully his knuckles are burning right now as he types on his work computer. Maybe next time, he will just wait for someone to pass, rather than cause an accident to wait for his rude behind to get to his car. Thank goodness I don't have to come home to him each night.

Would you have stopped? Gone to the police? Just curious.

Happy March

March is the beginning of birthday madness... until September. Today is my Granny's birthday and my Dad's birthday. Neither one of them read this blog, but hey, I wanna say HAPPY BIRTHDAY anyway.

Granny (AKA "GG" with four of her 13 great-grandchildren)

My Dad staring at Kevin as a baby. This was the first time my dad had seen Kevin. I never had a grandfather, so watching this moment was special to me.

Time with my baby girl

Yesterday, Juliana and I had a much needed "Mommy and Me" day. She wanted to go to the park, although it was all wet, so we went for a walk to climb on rocks. She was in rare form wanting her picture taken over and over. I went with it, and loved every second. Here are a few photos from our outing.