The two of 'em

Proud really can not capture how I feel for my two kids.  They drive me out of my mind sometimes, I lose my patience, I also cheer them on, I'm just so proud of them.  They're NOT, did I say NOT, perfect at all.  They're far from it!  Interestingly enough, that's why I'm so proud.  I've seen them fall flat on their face, I hear of things they've said or done, and I cringe.  I see the things they say and do, and I wanna crawl into a hole and hope nobody sees me again.  Then I get the big eyes, the giggles, the smiles, the jokes, I see the accomplishments, I see the improvements, and I think... Really, that's the same kid?!?!?

These two are unique.  These kids are incredibly smart.  These kids are so vastly different from one another, yet so scarily alike too.  (Yes, contradictory sentences often annoy me too.  HA!)  

I wish so badly their friends understood them, especially Juliana.  She's really gone through HELL this school year.  She's created some of the fire in her hell.  She has occasionally thrown gas on the fire.  She's extinguished more of the fires, and ran into fires much more often to save people though.  Unfortunately, nobody sees that.  They throw her into another fire, watch her burn, then can't figure out why she's in so much pain.  

If you read my last post about coming back to school after spring break, just know, it has all been pretty good since going back to school.  I'm dreading the report of today, but perhaps circumstances are turning around.  Hope so!

Why do I use this blog for posts like this?  Because I do.  It's my platform.  It's my way of shouting to the world in my loud, yet shy ways.  

It's a process

Spring break has been an adventure.  In-laws came to visit.  We went to a baseball game.  Kiddos had special grandparent time.  We had a few days of family time.  It's been pretty darn good.

Tomorrow starts school all over again.  Tomorrow starts dread all over again.  See, school for little miss is not a great place anymore.  She cries.  She doesn't trust many anymore, sometimes even the teachers. Rightfully so.  It's been an extremely tough year for her.  Through her journey, she created some of the mistrust, and the drama.  Through her personal journey, she's also learned the impact it has on others.  The problem is, others haven't learned forgiveness, others haven't cared about struggles, others do not care about coming clean, about empathy.

It's been so tough, it's been a good lesson (or two or three) for her.  She's grown and learned millions of ways to cope, to the the authenticity in others, and to see through bullish** too.  I dread her tears again tomorrow.  I dread her continued mistrust of others.  I dread her continued disconnection with peers.... until I hear again.... "Mommy, I know she hates me, but I helped her find her lunchbox today.", "He said I'm ugly, but I just turn my head and roll my eyes.", "Mrs. (insert principal name here) apologized to me today.  It felt good.", "Mr. (insert teacher name here) said he was wrong.  I forgive him."

That's right, I do blog about this, simply because part of me wants the world to know and to walk this journey, and another part of me wants to run and keep it a huge secret.  It's a bizarre balancing act.

She's growing everyday.  I'm trying to teach her the good in people, and most importantly, the good within herself.  It's a process, that's for sure.

Awesome-ness

Ya know, LOTS of awesome happenings over here!  One, I'll have a bonus Dad in a few short months.  My mom is tying the knot!  50 years ago he took my Mom to her prom.  50 years ago he wished she didn't go to Boston for college.  50 years ago the timing wasn't right.  Now, it is.  Shhhh, don't you dare mention this on Facebook.  Phew, thanks.  :)    It's not a secret per se, it's just my mom is very private, and for some reason has a facebook page, but never uses it.  I guess she uses it to stalk me and others.  Brahhhhh haaaaaaaa!

Awesome #2... Juliana is doing MUCH better in many ways.  She's been accepted into a Catholic school for middle school.  Yayyy!  She was worried she didn't do well on the assessment.  I guess she did.  YAYYY!

Awesome #3... Kevin's report card rivals someone attempting to get into Harvard.  Ok, not really, but I'm proud of him!  Juliana's improving greatly with tutoring and other accommodations.  It's great to witness!

Awesome #4... Kevin's First Communion is coming up!  I think I'll be getting to see my brother and my two handsome little nephews I miss SO SO SO much!

Awesome #5... In-laws arrive in a few days!  This means house is cleaner than ever, Jason and I may get a night out together, Juliana singing for Easter Mass, Grampy/Juliana homemade cupcakes, and more Dunkin Donuts Keurig coffee too.

End of awesome-ness for now.

Feel like singing

Don't laugh.  Promise?  Pinky promise?  Like promise with sugar on top?  Good.

I'm wishing my Grandma a Happy Birthday today.  One minor detail.... well yeah, she's kinda sorta not here anymore.  She'd be 99 today.  Kinda thought it was that kinda sorta neat, so deal with my needing to wish her a happy bday.

I said, stop laughing.  :)

My Dad turned 70 last week.  Holy moly!

My Mom is going to be (almost) 70, but oh boy, I don't think she'll be 69 yet either.  Perhaps I should find out.  How is it that I know my Dad's age, but not my Mom's?  HA!  I do know for her 70th birthday, we're all going on a Disney Cruise.  It's not on the calendar yet, so....  

Gratitude, grace, and guilt

Riiiiiiing riiiiiiiing....

(Look at caller ID.  It's school.  Crap.  What the hell now!?!?)  "Hello."

"Mrs. _____, it's Mrs. ______.  There was an incident on the playground during recess.  Kev used some words that were not appropriate, and were scary for some kids."

"Can I talk to him?  Where is he?"  

"He's in the main office while I speak to you with the door closed."

---end quotes now---

WAIT, "He needs to be picked up from school immediately."

---now, I'm done with quotes.----

What he said or didn't say isn't necessarily important.  Let's put it this way, what he said shocked me and didn't, all in the same thought process.  

I went to pick him up.  Both of us sobbing.  What he said hit home.  What he said was wrong.  How do I parent this?  What do I say?  

His teacher felt terrible about calling me.  Kevin's words were violent, yet he is not violent whatsoever. His words were scary, yet he's not scary whatsoever.  We know where he got it, but that's not for this blog.  No matter where he got it, it's not okay, hence the punishment at school and at home.  

So, we get home after total silence while walking to car, and the whole way home.  We walk in the house, and the silence was deafening.  I write an apology on my part to the principal and to the teacher.  I also included a backhanded joke that he was heading to his first confession that night, and that it was an ironic event.  I digress.  Thank the good Lord, the principal knows where Kev got this.  Shortly later, I get an e-mail from the principal, "Hang in there.  We'll meet tomorrow."  Shortly after that an e-mail from his teacher letting us know how much she wanted to attend the Sacrament of Reconciliation that night, but she could not make it.  

Kev receives the Sacrament of Reconciliation.  Somehow makes the priest laugh.  

The next day, I go to the meeting with the principal and teacher, in a closed door meeting.  Kev's teacher apologized for not attending mass the night before.  She mentioned that she apologized to Kevin too.  Kev and her talked about how God and prayer can be helpful in tough times.  SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.... WHHHHHHHAAAAAT?!?!?!?!  I thought our devil public schools banned God. I thought they banned prayer.  Wrong.  All I could do was grin.  I didn't grin because of God, or prayer, or chatting with my son.  I grinned because in that moment, she knew she was talking to a little boy, not just a nameless or faceless student.  

If anyone ever questions our teachers, think again.  The next day, I took the kiddos to school.  After saying the pledge, they all sang, "God Bless the USA" by Lee Greenwood.  I got it on video.  Like it or not, God is alive in schools.  Better yet, I'm not sure it's God that is alive, it's humanity that is alive in our schools.  Educators love our kids.  Educators know that God, g-d, Allah, no god, many gods, or a god by any name, is ever present in our world.  

Thank you Mrs. Principal.  Thank you Mrs. Teacher for knowing my son's heart, soul, and mind.  You only know because you've taken the time to know our whole family, how we operate, our challenges, our victories, and everything in between.  Thank you.  

Bye Bye Buddy Boys

These two little boys are leaving me today.  They're leaving on their new adventure to a home about 400+ miles away.  I love them to the moon and back.  Bye bye little buddy boys... Auntie already misses you.  On to new adventures together.  Less often, yet just as much fun.  

End of 2012

 I've missed this blog.  Interesting since I rarely visit GOOGLE anymore, but when I do visit this sunshine page, I miss not seeing posts about mundane days, or even exciting ones.  Perhaps I'll do this more often again, who knows.  I thought I'd end 2012 with a few of the Pathetic Photo moments of the holiday season.

Good-bye 2012.  Hello 2013.